i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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