I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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