I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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