just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
