Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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