I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
