Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
