Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
