Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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