she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
