I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
