My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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