My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
