U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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