Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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