omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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