he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
