I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
