So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
