my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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