Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
