Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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