God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
