My underwear smells like fireworks.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
