i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
