Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
