Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
