he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
