Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
