OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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