All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
