he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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