apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
