Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
