the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I want to fling myself into the sun
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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