I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
