there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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