I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
