this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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