I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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