What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
