My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize