I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
too bad you live with your parents still
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
