I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
