How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
