I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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