): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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