If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
