if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize