Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
