All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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