NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
