Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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