I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
