I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
