i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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