Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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