You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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