She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
