Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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